Dirty Dave's Compilation of Newfie Jokes...

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.

He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.

They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.

Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.

He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

A newfie calls the RCMP  "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Billy Bob Smith.  He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!"

The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept.  They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana.  They apologize to Billy Bob and leave.  The phone rings at Billy Bob's..

"Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?"


"Did they chop all your firewood?"


"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve

The old farmer Garge replied, 'That's me property, and you ain't coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you's don't know 'ow we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We's settle small disagreements like dis wit the 'Tree Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because da dispute occurs on me land, I gets to go first. I kicks you tree times and then you kicks me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I gives up. You can 'ave the fuckin' duck.'

From the rock? If you know a good newfie joke, send me a note...